Bullshido and Kung Fools are a couple centuries old ways of disarming unsuspecting people from their money. Today's focus of my inner tween rage will be unleashed upon more martial arts video and taking a gander at the best of the worst Bullshido disarm techniques.
Let's start this leisurely stroll into the depths of Kung Fool hell with an amazing one step sword defense. Just grab the sword away from the attacker. That's it. Nothing to it really. Technically, there's a bunch of steps. First find a bunch of turnip heads and recruit them for your imaginary Dojo playpen. Then take their money. Then fill their little turnip heads with delightful turnipy notions of ripping razor sharp swords away by the blade. So after about ten seconds of watching this we've learned all we can so let's move on.
With a name like Master Jeffery Panther you'd expect a lot of bang for your martial arts buck and fear not good viewer, the white Panther lives up to the hype.
Attack proof companion series?....but what if I don't have a companion? Speaking of companions, this man had a steamy love affair with the Hamburglar and is impregnated with a burger baby.... and by the looks of it he's having twins. The Grandmaster Sizzler Sifu is named John Perkins and he's a former forensic expert turned martial artist so it's kind of like CSI Arby's meets Bloodsport.
It's kinda rhetorical but why do all the followers of these fake martial arts look like they were raised by garbage bin raccoons? Seriously, how could you watch someone do this training exercise and not immediately ask for a refund? What in your life could you possibly envision this helping you with in any way, shape, or form?
She was in another of my vids teaching people how to get shot in slow motion and now she's back again teaching folks how to get carved up like a Christmas Turkey. But you be the judge... Lets take a quick run through first.....So step one, do not struggle, stay calm and loose. K no probs, I'm very Zen when three people are about to turn me into a kitchen strainer Step 2, use yer jazz hands to get all icky with some sticky on yer hip bone. Check. Step 3 Using the power of your sticky hand, break the grip, redirect the blade onto the third guy's arm thus forcing him to let go. So far so good. Step 4 gently and lovingly take the knife away from the attacker then Freddy Kruger three men with their own weapon.
Before we start lets go through our late nineties check list....bad hair dye, check, fake milk canons check....Master Ken looking instructor....check...gratuitously long rear shot...check..all systems online and ready for action. Yeah this is pretty much the generic technique you've seen a million times promising lightning fast take-downs and ignoring reality. Just grab the wrist, remove the knife, cripple the baddie and trot along home to a warm bubble bath. Rear attack...also no problem because in the land of Mattel toys no attacker fights back and Barbie's water balloons remain unpunctured.
What's a fake martial arts video without at least a tip of the cap towards the Grandmaster of Systemena – Mikhail Ryabko. Ryabko is what happens when you combine radioactive silly putty with a meatball and wish upon a star for it to come alive. Here the Ryabko tribe is showing how to defend against a sword with a sword and of course it's not real Bullshido if you don't add in some super natural abilities granted to them by the infinity stones. This chubsie wubsie couldn't dodge a second helping of dessert let alone a sword. He looks like he smells like butter and brushes his teeth with whip cream. He's so out of shape his shirt has high cholesterol. But let's watch some of his Systema magic unfold. That was a thing of beauty. Makes Kylo Ren look like a padawan.
Lil miss Julie with her fun guns is gonna teach us all how to disarm a bandito using lightning reflexes and lioness striking prowess even though she looks like her only real fight was with a testy wine cork. So just sidestep the gun, remove it from the attackers hand, land a bunch of crippling blows while they stand motionless, waistband their gun, draw your weapon and resist the urge to send a purp to the pearly gates. Easy peasy trigger squeezy. Let's hear the breakdown though....Gary the Green Grocer is definitely enjoying the slow tutorial and ya know he's thinking about squeezing the produce to see how fresh the melons are. To be honest, the only thing I really hate about this video is how they portray the situation to be so static. It's not that a side step and gun grab are impossible – there are real life videos of this actually working.... it's just that unless a gunman is caught off guard and is completely unaware - then they are going to react. So it's hard not to razz on these techniques when they aren't showing it play out in real time.

#Bullshido #KungFool #mcdojo