Why is defensiveness so damaging to our relationships? As one of my personal mental health heroes, Dr. Harriet Lerner, would say: “Defensiveness is the arch-enemy of listening.”

Why? Because you can’t be defensive and listen simultaneously.

It’s impossible. There are all different levels of being defensive, and there are many reasons why some people are more defensive than others.

So much of it has to do with the home you grew up in and the behavior that you saw modeled when you were a child. Questions to guide you:

-- When problems or conflict arose, what kind of behavior did you witness?
-- How did your parents or caretakers communicate? With one another? With you?
-- Did you grow up in a very authoritarian home?
-- If you made a mistake, how was it handled? Was it a big deal?
-- You might have grown up in circumstances in which it was natural for you to be defensive or always on guard to protect yourself. If your childhood environment was chaotic, scary or dangerous and there were serious consequences to your mistakes or behavior, it makes sense that defensiveness would become a part of your self-preservation strategy.

If you grew up in a very strict household, it could even have been very natural for you to lie to get out of trouble. The child within you would benefit from you giving yourself some grace as to why you did what you needed to do in order to avoid pain or punishment.

In all my years of practice and of research, I’ve learned that having the most effective communication possible is what makes the deepest, most vibrant, healthiest and truly loving relationships flourish.

Effective communication is something I am super passionate about, so that’s why this week, I’m tackling defensiveness, how to raise our awareness around it and how to stop it from blocking our greatest potential in all of our relationships.

Want to dive deeper? My pal Mark Groves and I did a 3-hour workshop all about transforming the way you communicate in every area of life. Get scripts, tools & guidance to gracefully navigate challenging discussions, address misunderstandings & develop a happier, healthier approach toward communication: https://crushingcommunication.com/

Download the free guide that goes along with this video: https://terricole.com/effective-communication-tips-guide/

*TIME STAMPS:*
0:00 - Introduction
0:37 - What is being "defensive"?
1:43 - Why are some of us so defensive? + My personal example
5:22 - Why defensiveness is bad for our relationships
7:06 - The connection between criticism and defensiveness
8:37 - Tips on clearing your side of the street and ridding yourself of this dynamic
15:30 - Why it's important to become an active listener

*RELATED VIDEOS:*
https://youtu.be/xpkjFkhK6tg - How to Effectively Communicate During Conflict Without Making It Worse
https://youtu.be/thPuQxYeWw0 - 7 Strategies to Stop Being So Defensive
https://youtu.be/zEw9I9lyb6g - How to Communicate In Conflict
https://youtu.be/SArj4a4jSec - Setting Boundaries With Someone Who's Defensive
https://youtu.be/H7gmwfqTWpM - Boundary Script for Diffusing Arguments
https://youtu.be/F1qgk5Z1Y0k - How to Manage Passive Aggressive Behavior

*ABOUT TERRI COLE:*
Terri Cole is a licensed psychotherapist and global leading expert in female empowerment. She has a gift for making complex psychological concepts accessible, and then actionable so that clients and students achieve sustainable change. She empowers over 250,000 people weekly through her blog, social media platform, signature courses, Real Love Revolution and Boundary Bootcamp + her popular podcast, The Terri Cole Show. She is also the author of Boundary Boss-The Essential Guide to Talk True, Be Seen and (Finally) Live Free (April 2021)

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